Reunion Dinner at Jumbo Seafood Restaurant

1) The food sucks

2) Look at the number of people left in the family photo compared to the ones that we used to have

CNY Day 1

I realized 1 year can make a very much difference

CNY Day 2

Without cousin to camwhore with me, this is the only not-solo shot I took

Thank you for the awesome gift, my dear! I love it not only because it’s yellow but also because you noticed that i like it and you got it for me It’s an awesome gift because i desperately need a new ear piece for my phone and this is the perfect one for it

The beginning of this year has been quite not so smooth sailing for me. I was down with flu the first week, allergic reaction to marche’s chicken cheese sausage rosti the second week which i’m not supposed to, and gum infection the third. I wonder what’s coming next for me.

The past 1 week or so, i’ve been helping baby with spring cleaning as well as for my own. Been feeling a bit down because i got to see quite a few of his ‘memories’ with the ex girlfriend whom i dislike. I was at first feeling a bit down because the ex girlfriend was very nice to have bought him many gifts and wrote him many notes and cards and even long love letters which i haven’t been doing so. But come to think of it, they have been together for many years, hence what i’ve given can’t be compared to what they used to have. I kinda wish i got to have the old him who would do silly and sweet stuffs with the girl but i’ve also accepted baby for who he is now and i actually should feel glad too. He’s more than just nice to me But i hope this girl will stop sending weird messages to baby because i really don’t like it. She should be old enough to know what to do and what not. I too will get jealous or a little bit upset if my ex boyfriend were to have a girlfriend which they don’t (yet) but i won’t purposely send some messages that carries sarcasm or purposely seek their attention or whatever it is they she’s trying to do. I just think she ought to show some respect to me, though i’m considered her junior, but as daniel’s girlfriend at the very least.

I just came home to find out that they have thrown away my bolster. The favourite thing about coming home and sleeping is my bolster. I’m the kinda person who will be unable to go to sleep if i’m at a foreign place because i don’t have my own bed’s feeling, don’t have my pillow and most importantly bolster. I don’t even hug baby’s bolster to sleep when i’m at his place because i don’t like. They should at least have asked me or told me. I know it sounds silly but I really loved it

Daryl has left to study overseas for 4 long years. I feel awful for not being able to send him off. Although we don’t meet up as often as we used to during poly days, he is still one of my favourite friend ever. It just makes me feel down to know that one of the used-to-be my closest person in my life, one of my favourite friend, is going to be away for a long time. I do miss him, miss them, miss those days in poly and will miss him as well when he’s away. Don’t know if he’d even think of me at all but i know i will. Plus seeing jerlyn’s postings on facebook, it makes me feel sadder. I can’t imagine if i had to go through something like that, to be separated from a loved one for so long. I’ve never had someone in my life leave me for that long before, except for people who have left me forever, since i was 14, starting with my father. So i guess all along i’ve been too dependent on people around me and started to think that they will be around me forever and i guess i’ve started to take it for granted. Nevertheless, i still do not want anyone to leave me. At all.

I really need to learn how to adapt to changes. And to have confident in myself in the relationship.

Daniel, i can’t tell you how much i love you. I may not be as thoughtful as she was, i may not be as nice as she was to you, but i definitely love you as much as she did or even more and in my own way. I may not be able to buy you many gifts like she did, i may not be as capable as she was and is right now. But i promise that i love you no less than anyone else ever did and will continue loving you for who you are. We may not know if we are the one for each other, but i hope that we will both put in our best effort in this relationship and i believe there is some fate in us from what we have gone through the past 5-6 months.

I know i’ve said this before but thank you for all that you’ve done for me and thank you for being who you are and thank you for accepting me for who i am and thank you for tolerating my over suspicions and jealousy and the effort to make me feel secured and loved.

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to,

doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all the have.

Went to Kulai with baby, Sharon, Kiat, Shan and her boyfriend. It was a really quite a relaxing trip – no rush, free and easy. We ate a lot on this trip because we woke up early and manage to have all 3 meals! In fact, 4! Including supper Ktv and drinking on both nights.. Took a walk at the Johor Premium Outlets. Not much loots, just a pair of Charles & Keith heels. It felt good because I had him all for myself.

Spring cleaning with baby when we got back to Singapore.

I love how we get along well despite the age gap between us.

And I got a food allergy that night. Swollen eye.

Came home to the start of a very terrible night. I just wanted to come home to do my laundry and have a quiet time at home then rest early while my man go and do his own things… But the same person just had to ruin all the peace. Home is supposed to be a place where you can come home to rest and find peace. Somewhere quiet and peaceful and conducive to rest and do some thinking. Mine’s not. Or rather, I don’t feel like I have a home at all. To the extent that even D’s place feels more like home now. There are family members who joke with you, prepare food for you, care for you, talk with you. There is the man I love who is willing to do anything for me, even helping me with the slightest things, who will chat with me, who cares for me. We’re given our own space to have our own conversation, to spend our own private time together; I’m also given space to do my own stuffs and peace for me to think when D is not at home. I feel safe there. I feel loved there. And that’s not something that I ever felt in my own home, since 6 years ago.

It all started tonight because I duplicated my house keys. The reason why I did it is because I needed one since I knock off earlier than I used to and I’d be the first to be home if Jackie is not at home. The reason why none of us held keys in the past was because granny was very protective of the house keys as older people are more cautious and worried about house being broken into and also that she was always at home so we’ll always be able to come home. After she passed away, naturally mum took over the keys. Jackie and Elsie started off without keys as well but they ended up with keys and I was the last one to own them. Reason being, as quoted from mum, was that I’m always not home, so I do not need the keys.

In that case, I would like to know, who did she see sleeping on MY bed every night? If it wasn’t me, who or WHAT did she see? The only time when I’m not home is during the weekends. And now, maybe occasionally on one or two weekdays if Daniel is able to send me to work the next day or I’m going to somewhere around his home or work place the next day. And she claims that I am ALWAYS not home. But when Elsie is not at home for several consecutive days, I don’t hear her saying she don’t see Elsie at home.

I duplicated the keys because I always end up being at home, alone, and I can’t go out to buy food or see the doctor because once I leave the house, I don’t have keys to enter again. I duplicated the keys because I thought that I SHOULD own one in order for myself to come home and most importantly, during emergency cases. This is common sense.

I duplicated the keys behind her back because no matter how I reason with her and explain to her how and why do I need the keys, nothing goes into her head. She’s stubborn and unreasonable because she only sticks to her own thinking and no matter how you try to reason with her, she always argues back with ridiculous stuffs. And when you try to use a nice and normal tone to talk to her, she always has to yell at the top of her voice which makes you hard to keep your own tone down. Tonight, she was so over my limits that I was literally jumping as I yelled at the top of my voice until the extent that my throat hurts now. I punched my hand against the wall, yes it was a stupid thing to do and my knuckles hurt now but this, is how much I couldn’t stand it already. I didn’t know what to do, I felt very helpless, I felt very angry, I felt all the blood rushing to my head till it’s burning and throbbing and swelling. Instead of my hand, I wanted to even use my head.

She yelled at me, about every single thing from 8 years back, just because I duplicated a key. She insisted that I cannot have the key because I am disrespecting her by duplicating the keys to HER HOUSE without her permission. “THIS IS MY HOUSE, YOU CANNOT HAVE MY KEYS”, this was what she said. She called my cousin on the spot to tell her not to ever open the doors for me when I come home and there is nobody at home, and that I have to go to school to take the keys from her or go to wherever she is at that time to take the keys from her or to wait outside the house until she comes back to open the door personally for me. What if she’s at orchard? I have to travel from cck to orchard just to take the keys from her to go HOME? Does that sound reasonable? I remember once there was nobody at home and my cousin was not home too. I called my mum and asked her where she was then found out that none of them are able to be back early to open the doors for me and it was already night time so I just had to wait outside the door. I took this chance to use as an example why I’d need a pair of keys but she said that was totally not necessary because eventually they will come back to open the doors for me. Of course I know eventually they will, but when? How long are they going to take? How safe or how nice is it for a girl to sit at the stairways or at the void decks, roaming around, just so that I can get home? She said nice or not she doesn’t care, safe or not she don’t care, all I can do is wait.

Yes, after granny and dad passed away, naturally the house belongs to her now. And eventually it will belong to brother, who is the only male child in the family, and according to them, we girls will be married off so we don’t need the house, and it will belong to him solely, nothing will be split. I get it. Then let me move out. I don’t wanna stay at a place that isn’t mine, that doesn’t welcome me.

She started talking about what happened 8 years back. How I insisted on wearing ankle socks to school, how I hung out with boys even though they told me I can’t have boyfriends, how I always don’t go home straight after school, how I didn’t perform as well as sister did in studies, how I wasn’t as obedient as sis. How I always skipped classes in poly and receiving warning letters from the school, how I always hung out late with friends, how I asked for more pocket money because food during poly times were not like food during primary and secondary school times. How I met a guy online and went into a relationship with him for 3 years plus, how I ignored their words and stayed over at his place, how I started not coming home even more, to now, how I disrespect her for duplicating her house keys.

She threatened to kill herself, said she wanted to die, said that I always do things my own ways without caring about how people felt, how she felt. So I asked her, “So do you know how I feel over all these years?” “How will I know how you feel?” She answered. I think she has some mental problem or just some kinda problem with her. She doesn’t even understand how terrible I feel, but I do. I understand how I hurt her with my behaviour and I did ever tried to treat her better as I grew older and started working. I don’t know how to explain, and I don’t know if anyone ever had this kinda feeling before, but the feeling is just like, when you are determined to do something, for example start forgiving someone and trying to accept someone and trying to be nice to someone, then that someone just had to do something that repels your kindness away and completely destroys your intention of being nice to her and makes you wanna take back everything sympathy you have for the person because you feel that this person simply doesn’t deserve it. This is how I feel.

She never ever sees an good in the things that I do even if the things I do are right. I started working just a couple of months after I graduated from poly. I started job hunting seriously and didn’t even enjoy like the others did upon graduation. To her, it’s not enough. But sis starting her first job upon graduation, was a big thing to her. She even rewarded her. Me? I don’t give a fuck about the rewards or whatever shit. I just want to be seen, to be acknowledged, for the things that I do. I gave granny money willing every month, though not as much as what she asked for because I really couldn’t afford it at that time, and yet she said they had to beg me for money every month because I didn’t wanna give money to the household at all. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I do is being seen and acknowledged. She never ever listens to me even if just one thing I say is right and reasonable. She never respected me at all, yet she demands my respect for her unreasonable actions and words and behaviour. She never ever listens. Everyone is born with two ears for you to listen to what people have to say; two eyes to see the truth and to see the good in people instead of only the bad in them; yet only one mouth because you need to listen and look before you speak wrong of people.

I’m at my wits’ end. I feel really helpless, I don’t know what to do. I feel really desperate, desperate to leave this place and never come back again because I simply can’t live such a life anymore. My salary is pathetic, I have bills to pay, I have my daily expenses to take care of, I need to save money for myself and for studies, everything is about money. If not, I’d love to find somewhere else to stay. I don’t mind living alone, since I’m used to solitary life; I can take care of myself, in terms of my basic needs and I don’t mind if it’s just a small room compared to the big home I used to live in with almost everything I need. I know I won’t be lonely because I have friends and D who will always be there for me. The only bigger thing would be, moving out would mean severing all ties with them and that would also mean that one fine day when I get married, my husband would have no one to offer tea to, I’d have no one to walk me down the red carpet, I’d have no one to take my hand and pass it to my husband. I don’t know what other consequences are there, I have to admit I am not thinking properly and thoroughly. But I know that no matter how hard it is, I will be able to pull through since this is all I’ve ever wanted. And for that, there’s definitely some price to pay. I really really don’t know what to do anymore.

Happy New Year!

This new year’s eve was spent rather differently from the past couple of years. This year, there’s no partying, no boozing. It’s just my dear and I We went to watch The Darkest Hour, what a show to watch on new year’s day! It’s about alien invasion and these days, movies just made aliens more and more cleverer… Rumours are that the world will end in 2012 and here we are, watching a movie about aliens invading our planet. Oh well.. The movie was rather good. It’s just another alien show and some people really don’t believe aliens’ existence so some might find it a dumb show but come on la, it’s just a movie alright?

Then later at night, we met up with the rest to watch Sherlock Holmes… Good movie! Nothing beats spending a quiet day at home with my love and hanging out with my brothers for good laughs and then coming back home and snuggling next to my big bear ^_^

I’ve been wanting to do some kinda treasure hunt thing for dear at his own place but can’t think of any ideas yet so I just decided to do a photo trail for him – photos of our significant events or important dates, during the half day afternoon off that I have. Wanted to do it all the way from the moment he enters the home but I was afraid his dad would come home before him or something so I just did from his room – from the first touch of the room door and all around the room along the usual trail that he’d walk, idea is as he walks, he can see all the photos and notes that I’ve written for him. From our old photos, to our first dates, to our birthdays, our first & subsequent overseas trips and our first Christmas. I don’t know how he felt throughout the “trail”… But the last 6 months of the year were probably the best times I had in the past year. In the first half of the year, things were rocky already rocky with my ex whereby we broke up months later and I went through a couple of very tough months, emotionally, and screwed up some stuffs with someone and at work as well. Until which daniel, my good brother at that time, was trying to help me out of it and then we found some chemistry between us and sparks flew and here we are, together. The way we started off.. It was really falling in love again. I cannot describe that feeling. My ex was indeed a mistake. People ask, why, after going through several failed relationships, do I still wanna go into a relationship with someone else? Because I believe in the good of people, I believe in love, I believe I can find someone who shares the same feeling as me, someone who will love me like how I love him. Because I believe that if I grow up more and do not repeat the mistakes that I’ve made in my previous relationships, things would work out better. Because I believe that all men are as bad just because one of them is.

I can’t believe time flies so quickly… I haven’t been very focused and serious with my life, haven’t achieved anything much at all and I’ve sort of lost track of time. Feeling a bit emotional because 29th was my father’s death anniversary, which I have forgot over the past 8 years… And my granny has also left for more than a year and I’ve seem to gotten use to the life without her, too quickly. Maybe because I’ve been spending a lot of time with daniel… Which, I feel glad about.. Because he’s always there for me, he always makes it a point to fetch me to and from home and appears whenever i need him. He talks to me, gives me advice, teaches me a lot of things and helps me in whatever i need with his best abilities… I feel like I finally found a man who is able to love me and take care of me, someone I feel safe with and feel like I can rely on him. He feels like home.